116: Mindset Mini: Taming Your (Divorce) Fears
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(Unedited Transcript Below)
Taming Your Fear
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[00:00:00] Hello friends. Welcome back to the podcast. I am here on my own today to bring you a mindset mini episode that I love to sprinkle in the idea with these episodes is that they are short and sweet and give you something that you can apply. Right after listening to [00:01:00] the episode. To help make your divorce, your separation or your co-parenting. A whole lot smoother and hopefully just a whole lot easier. Today.
[00:01:10] I want to talk about fears. And how we can tame our fears that we might have during the divorce process, or maybe it's during co-parenting, even after divorce. I often am coaching my clients on a particular fear that they have. They might show up at a session. Knowing that they want to talk about this fear or just through the course of coaching and working through. Their goals and their action plans. We notice that there's these underlying fears that haven't been acknowledged up to this point that are interfering with their ability to make decisions or interfering with their ability to see all the options that are on the table.
[00:01:54] Some of the common fears.
[00:01:56] I hear folks express are, [00:02:00] they have a fear that their spouse is going to ask for the house or for full custody of the kiddos. They have a fear that they won't have enough to live on after the divorce. They have a fear that maybe the kids will want to live with the other parent more than they want to live with them. Or just like the other parent more than they like them. They have a fear that their kids will be traumatized by the divorce. That's a really common one. Or they have a fear that they're going to make a big mistake during the divorce process. I often hear folks say, , I don't know what, I don't know. What if I make a big mistake during this process?
[00:02:41] It's totally normal to have fears. And I always emphasize that to my clients. It's totally normal to have fears. What's optional is how long we let them linger.
[00:02:54] Fear during divorce tends to start with just an idea. [00:03:00] It's not necessarily something physical that's present with us. It's our idea about what might happen in the future. So we start thinking about something and it fills us with fear. And then that fear. Actually starts affecting us physically. .
[00:03:17] It puts us into a fight flight or freeze stress response. And our nervous system feels like we are in danger. . We get higher levels of some of the stress hormones, like cortisol and adrenaline. Higher levels of these hormones can then affect our sleep. They affect our digestion. They can affect our immune system, make us more susceptible to catching something. . So when we have fear, it signals the part of our brain called the amygdala. To go to work. And activate what's called our sympathetic nervous system. And to get ready for fight or flight. So , the [00:04:00] amygdala actually starts. Directing blood away from our heart and into our limbs so that we're ready to run or to fight. Our heart rate goes up. Our breathing goes up.
[00:04:11] The amygdala is really in charge of the show. It's the conductor.
[00:04:16] While the amygdala is running the brain. It's goal is to keep us safe. Other parts of our brain are not as much online. One key part that's not online is the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of our brain. That's key to reasoning. Decision-making judgment. And it becomes impaired. When the amygdala is running the show. And it's makes it harder for us to think clearly. Which is really the opposite of what we really, really want during this time.
[00:04:49] During this time, when there's so many decisions to make there so many things to figure out. We want to be able to think clearly we want to be able to have good judgment. We want to be able to make decisions. We want to [00:05:00] be creative and resourceful. And we don't have that part of our brain online to really help us with that.
[00:05:08] If we also have fear.
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[00:05:10] And we know that the impact of this fear doesn't just stay compartmentalized when we're thinking about the divorce. But then it actually overflows into other parts of our life. It overflows into how we are when we're around our kids. It may make it harder to think clearly at work. So there's a larger impact to having fear around our divorce.
[00:05:35] Then just when we're thinking about the divorce. There's a systemic impact that this fear has.
[00:05:43] So I said it's really normal to have fears, but it's optional. How long we let them linger. And when I'm working with a client, as soon as we identify a fear, which can be tricky, they can be really hiding underneath the surface. [00:06:00] Then we worked through a process to neutralize it.
[00:06:03] I like to emphasize that we don't ignore it, we don't pretend it doesn't exist or that it doesn't matter. We address it and we make a plan. So, let me give you a concrete example of this.
[00:06:16] Say you are in your divorce process. And you're feeling like you need to agree to some of the things that your co-parent proposes, because you are really scared that you won't have. The financial resources after the divorce that you need in order to be able to maintain your lifestyle.
[00:06:41] You might be thinking about a lot is. How you're having to sacrifice or how you're having to negotiate things that you don't really want to be negotiating on. But underneath the surface, is this fear that I won't be okay. After the divorce, unless I do everything [00:07:00] or a lot of what the other person wants. When we can see that fear. Then we can address it. And if we can address it, we can neutralize it, which then means you can go into the rest of your divorce negotiations and not have that present. Not be making decisions because of fear.
[00:07:23] I always customize how I work through any fear with one of my clients, but I have created a list of questions that you can use no matter what that fear is for you. And I'm going to link to them in the show notes. I'm not going to go through them right now because I'm really going to encourage you to sit down. Get out some paper, take 10 minutes and work through these questions. I don't want you to listen to the questions right now and partially answer them or let your brain kind of run wild with them.
[00:07:59] What I want you to [00:08:00] do is take these questions. Sit down. Take the time to write out the answers to each of them, because writing it out is so key. We put. Down on the paper, the paper helps hold this fear and it helps begin to neutralize it. It's so impactful to actually write these things down.
[00:08:23] So follow the link in the show notes, or you can go to my website. Meg gluckman.com. Click on podcast and then click on this episode, which is taming your fears. And you'll find all the questions there. And just sit down and answer them.
[00:08:42] I think once you work through them, You will find that your fear is really diminished. You will find that you feel calmer and that you feel clear about what your options are and what your next steps are. So I hope you go get those questions now or [00:09:00] whenever you can. And let me know, how they helped you.
[00:09:03] You can always drop me a note through the contact form on my website. I would love to know if these helped diminish your fear. All right. Y'all have a great, great day. And I will talk to you again soon. [00:10:00]
Having fears during the divorce process is normal; what's optional is how long we let them linger. In this short episode, we talk about the impact of fear on our bodies & on our ability to think clearly.
At the end of the episode, I share a concrete (paper & pen) strategy for neutralizing your fears by answering the following questions.
Give it a try! Pick 1 fear to work on and answer all 10 questions.
If you want more support neutralizing your fear after the exercise, I invite you to book a Complimentary Coaching Consult. During the call, we can talk about how you can navigate divorce & co-parenting with a lot less stress and worry, and with a whole lot more ease and peace.
10 Questions to Neutralize Your Fear
1) What is my fear?
2) Can I be more specific or detailed?
3) What will happen to me if this comes true?
4) What are 3 things I could do if it appears to be coming true?
5) Who would I ask for help if it appeared to be coming true?
6) What are all the things that would need to happen between today and this coming true?
7) Is there something I want to do about it right now?
8) Is there any information that would help me tame this fear?
9) If yes, who can I ask for this information?
10) What do I want to believe about this fear now?
