The 3 Phases of Divorce Transition
Divorce can be tough, but understanding the journey can help make it easier. Let's break it down into three main phases that Bruce Feiler identified in his book, Life Is In The Transitions: the Long Goodbye, the Messy Middle, and New Beginnings.
The Long Goodbye is like saying farewell to what was. It's a time to grieve the end of the relationship. This is when we are letting go of shared dreams and parts of our identity. We may grieve the loss of being a spouse, as well as grieve how often we saw our kids or things that we took for granted things that were the other person's responsibility (like paying taxes or sending birthday cards). For some, the Long Goodbye happens before the divorce process starts, for others it's during or afterwards. The timing is usually different for the two members of the couple.
Next comes the Messy Middle. This phase can feel confusing and uncertain. You're trying to figure out what comes next, and it's normal to feel a bit lost or unmoored. Things might seem unclear and the amount of decisions to make may feel overwhelming. The Messy Middle is uncomfortable but a normal phase.
Finally, there's New Beginnings. This is your chance to start fresh. You get to discover who you are outside of the relationship and make lots of new choices for yourself. It's a time for trying on new identities (maybe I am someone who can fix a toilet...) and for deciding what's important to you now. It's a time to feel empowered and make choices that are right for this new version of you.
No one moves through these three phases in a totally linear way. It's normal to bounce back and forth, though generally, you'll feel yourself identifying more with one or another at a given time. Your journey will not follow a straight line, and that's okay. Just take it one step at a time, and know that you're not alone.
As you think about where you are in your own divorce journey, consider which phase you're in right now. By understanding and accepting where you are, you can move forward with curiosity and self-compassion.
Divorce isn't easy, but by recognizing the different phases and embracing each step of the process, you can emerge stronger and happier on the other side.
